It was about 10:25am, I'm supposed to be at Headway by 10:30am but I wasn't seen until 10:20am for my 10:00am appointment. As the doctor's surgery is about a fifteen minute ride on my iM.4 Elite from Easy Living Mobility I thought I could make it, along with my usual stop at Starbucks.
Ring Ring 📞
Me: Hello. Annmarie: Hello, are you coming in today? Me: Yes, I've been at the doctor's, I'm on my way now. Annmarie: OK, where are you now? Me: Just by Mill Street, I'll be there shortly Annmarie: Great, we'll wait for you then, you're about five minutes away? Me: Five or ten. Wassup? Annmarie: We're going to Laser Tag Me: .......................
My silence wasn't because I disliked Laser Tag, I can't say I'd really thought about in the years since I'd become reliant on a wheelchair for my mobility. It's an able bodied person's game. I associate it with people who can walk unaided. My silence was a substitute for a phrase that has become my catchphrase. I'M IN A WHEELCHAIR! But Annemarie's answer is always along the lines of "that doesn't mean you can't do it. Just try it" Knowing that would be her response I decided not to utter a word.
I got to Headway and everybody was waiting for me. We set off straight away without even asking if I wanted a few minutes rest. Rude! It was only a ten minute walk to Ten Pin and - get this - I didn't run into anyone or anything!
There's No Backing Out Now
The Briefing Room
The staff at Ten Pin didn't think there'd be any problems playing in a wheelchair. "I'll show them" I thought, let's see if they have that attitude at the end when there's wheelchair shaped dents in their walls and scrapes and scuffs everywhere. We were split into two teams and told to make our way into the briefing room. We went through a door into a corridor that was slightly wider than the wheelchair and a ninety degree right turn into The Briefing Room. No scrapes or scuffs yet.
On either side of the room were vests and guns for the two teams - red and green. It was handed to me as they were higher than I could reach. There is a target on the front and back of the vest for the opposing team to aim at. Unfortunately the back target on my vest was covered by the backrest of the wheelchair. I tried draping the back of the vest over the backrest, but it was too tight to my body to stretch like that. Oh well, I'll just have to play with this unfair advantage. What a shame... The gun has two handles and is held by both hands, but people generally don't have to ride around the arena and have both hands free.
Don't Try This At Home
We went into the arena which had the lights on at the moment. And what I saw was basically the most inaccessible maze imaginable. It was designed to give you things to hide behind and there wasn't one straight wall, presumably to make it harder to shoot somebody if they're constantly zig zagging and turning corners.
The two teams went to their respective bases, the lights went off (well, they dimmed down considerably so that it was harder to see) and my team started moving to the other side of the arena.
Rookie Mistake
To get into the base I had driven in forwards, I could have just turned on a sixpence so I could drive forwards to get out. I'd driven straight in I thought, I'll just reverse back out, how hard can it be?
It turns out very hard when some joker puts a wall behind you! How? I thought, a wall didn't suddenly appear behind me, so somebody must have put it there. My eyes were taking there time to adjust to the lack of light, so craning my neck to see behind me was pointless. Fortunately my back target was hidden by the backrest of the wheelchair and nobody could get in front of me, so, if I was smart I could just stay here all day and I would win...It took me about three minutes of edging backwards and creeping forwards to get out. My eyes started to adjust to the light and I started to make out what was blocking me...nothing. There was a wall in front and behind me. I think being able to see where you're going is actually quite important.
Better Watch Out Tom Shaw Is About
Headway's post on Facebook
Now I was free I made my way over to the opposing team's base. Slowly...very slowly. I was pinging off walls like a pin ball machine, fortunately all the walls are black and now that the lights are off you can't see the scuffs and scrapes I must be leaving on the walls.
When I said earlier this was inaccessible, the lights were on. Now they were off I had absolutely no chance. I saw somebody up ahead and pushed forward with all the power of the iM4.Elite, but I suddenly stopped dead as I'd hit a wall. I was actually looking through a hole in an otherwise solid wall. I did have the advantage that anybody fleeing from me were exposed to me shooting them in the back. I also had the disadvantage that my eyes are crap! I thought I was pointing the gun at there target, but the red laser would appear on there shoulder.
Today was a trip organised by Headway. I've been on a few outings with Headway before but they were local or close by so travelling wasn't an issue. This time we were going to Bewdley and oddly enough they'd invited me...no wait, I think they did...Yea, they musta done...Either way who cares, I was going to be there whether I was wanted or not.
Wheelchair bus
A mini bus turned up with one of the rear seats taken out and space enough for me to slot in. It appears this modified bus was pre-planned, so in answer to my earlier question, yes I was invited. They've met me as well so they know I'm an idiot. Oh well, there was no backing out now.
Richard (the driver) secured me in place using straps attached to my wheels and clipped into rails on the floor. While he was securing my seatbelt he told me he drives for Headway quite often as they go on several trips a year, and it used to be on the other bus but he will use a wheelchair bus from now on.
On Safari
Me looking at an Elephant
We arrived there in about an hour and a quarter and we immediately joined the queue of cars - after a quick toilet break and stretch of the legs. As I was strapped in like Hannibal Lecter I chose to stay on the bus and slowly fry as today was the hottest day of the year...so far (well let's hope we will get hotter days but there's no guarantees). The windows on the bus opened just enough that the breeze coming through felt like a gerbil breathing on you through a straw.
Everybody got back on the bus and the day started with a nice leisurely drive around the park, regularly interrupted by Giraffe, Rhinoceros, Ankole Cattle etc, sauntering across the road, The Rhinoceros in particular walks around with the authority of knowing it's the toughest thing on the park. The thing is basically walking around wearing metal armour, and with a horn attached to its face, nothing's going to argue with it. So confident nobody would say anything it decided to open it's bowels while it was walking and as the bus passed, it stared at us as if to say "and what?"
Unfortunately I have to say the access on the safari drive is abysmal. The ground is very uneven - in many sections it's pure mud with animal faeces trodden in. There are no ramps to be seen, there are no smooth walkways for me to roll along...There are even wild animals roaming around.
I repeatedly asked Richard to open the rar door of the bus as the asthmatic gerbil breathing on me wasn't keeping me cool, but he shouted something about health & safety from the front. I think that's what he said but I couldn't hear properly because of the Hannibal Lecter mask I was forced to wear. Apparently it was on Anne-Marie's insistence as I've repeatedly tried to bite her.
We spent a lot of time over at the Giraffe enclosure. Many of the giraffes were in the road blocking our progress, especially 1 female and 2 males. The female was trying to get away from the 2 giraffes I've nicknamed Donald and Weinstein. #MeToo obviously means nothing in the giraffe world.
We decided to go to West Midlands Safari Park. I was in the Nissan - a car I despised; I probably intended to stick red meat all over the car’s body and hope the monkeys would rip it apart.
Unfortunately, they were nowhere to be seen, they had all run inside because they didn’t want anybody taking photos of them in the Nissan’s vicinity.
Giraffes were the last set of animals, wandering amongst the line of cars as we queued to leave.Food pellets could be purchased from the gift shop, something we weren’t aware of. As we reached the giraffe section, we saw people putting the pellets on the roof of their cars. These awesome creatures were walking right up to them to eat the food.
I was jealous, so I said, “I’ll stick my hand out like I’ve got food and when it comes over it’ll be close enough to touch.
I opened the window and stuck my arm out as if I was offering food. A giraffe clocked me and started trotting over.
“It’s working” I announced excitedly.
The giraffe approached, didn’t pause to investigate and swallowed most of my forearm. When it realised there was no plant-based food on the end of this meat stick, it released me.
My arm was dripping in a gallon or so of giraffe spit, which has the viscosity of the thickened drinks that would later become my staple diet.
I reached for the sachet of wet wipes to find there was one left.
We got around the park in about an hour and a half. I couldn't reach my arm out of the chair this time as I was tied to the chair like I was being held for ransom and after I told this story nobody else seemed keen.
Inside the park
A poser
The entrance to the park is very wide and completely open so there are no doors to contend with. There are shops either side of you before you emerge next to the penguins in the 'zoo' part of the park.
There is acres of space here, there are various attractions like the Penguin aquarium, Reptile World, Sea Lion Theatre and the Dino Diner Restaurant.
We went up to Dino Diner as all that sitting around in the bus had worked up our appetites. The Dino Diner was up a not insignificant incline, well it probably is insignificant if you're walking, but it felt quite steep to me. It was nothing my iM.4 Elite from Easy Living Mobility couldn't handle however. West Midlands Safari Park can't dictate the level of the land, but they can dictate what terrain is on the ground leading upto the entrance, which is why it's curious that they would choose cobbled paving stones. Those walking on a warm sunny day like today probably wouldn't notice a difference. I however lose all the fillings from my teeth when rolling over them. That's a lie actually - I don't have any fillings. I jangled like you were shaking a piggy bank as all the loose change in my pockets rattled around. That's also a lie actually - who carries cash nowadays? They changed the terrain from perfectly appropriate tarmac (whether rolling or walking) to something that rattled me around like a maraca and is surely quite slippy to walk on when it's wet.
Dino Diner
Tiger
I didn't have to do battle with the doors as the back of the queue was all the way outside. Based on the shops I passed on the way into the park, I'm sure the doors wouldn't have been very easy for a wheelchair user to operate.
The floor is tiled and smooth as silk to roll across. I could get everywhere in the restaurant, everything is on the one level. The tables were nicely spaced out, some were round, some were rectangle and there were no legs to prevent me from getting close to my food. A lot of the time I'm sat some distance from the table or have to sit at an angle to get as close as possible.
You order your food when you enter and your given a disc like a miniature ice hockey puck. When it bleeps and all of the lights light up, your food is ready. Word of warning - Don't go for one of the Loaded Healthy Pasta options. They're cheaper than the other options (which at these prices is very appealing). I ordered the Beef Bolognaise which came in a plastic/polystyrene/paper cup thing with a woody/plasticy fork who's handle is so small I was constantly wiping bolognaise sauce off my hand. All of the sauce is plopped on top of the pasta, So you have a cup of plain pasta underneath. I looked on with envy as everything else on my table came out on plates. The fish and chips looked so fresh it must have been cooked just before it was put on the plate.
A Trip to the Loo
I took myself over to the toilets. The door into the toilet area (gents, ladies and disabled) has an inward swinging door that was light and very easy to prop open with my outstretched leg. Once inside there was plenty of room with the door into the gents to the left, ladies in front and the disabled loo to the right.
TOILET watch
The door to the toilet was unlocked and open to the public but didn't appear to have been used. I assume because the disabled toilet was around the corner, people didn't know it was there. The room was tiny, it was barely long enough to fit the wheelchair when the door was open. The door must have been about a millimetre from the back of the wheelchair. I couldn't turn the chair around to lock the door, so I pushed the door shut behind me and did my best contortionist act to lock it. I had to line up the chair directly in front of the toilet and do a complete 180 mid transfer. I did the same in reverse when finished, reached behind me to unlock the door and opened the door while edging forward...which I achieved after several attempts.
1/5:
A walk around the park
The upkeep of the park left a lot to be desired. That might sound a bit harsh actually, like I was commenting on how the animals were kept. I'm not, in fact the Hippopotamus are a good example of the big areas they are kept in.
I was referring to the pot holes. There are quite long walks between animals and there were several small craters scattered all over the path. I was studying the ground, not wanting to look up as the chair would have just fallen in to one. Just about all the paths are covered by brown thin dust that is very slippy underneath your fo...wheel. A number of times Richard had to grab my chair as I was steering in a different direction than the one the chair was sliding. I had no control.
All in all it was a pleasant enough day, but West Midlands Safari Park isn't somewhere I would choose to visit again. I think the wheelchair access is pretty poor, there are areas where no effort has been made. For example: There was a white lion enclosure, but the lion was nowhere to be seen. Some of our party walked down some steps to get close to the glass and could see the lion was sunbathing. You had to press your cheek against the glass. I had to take their word for it.
I saw a post from The Staffordshire Spotter on February 13th that a new independent bookstore - The Bookery - would be opening at Amerton Artisans in Amerton Farm. The post asked "Do you know of an established local author who would be interested?" Well I'm not established, but I am local. Oh and it said there would be cakes.
Well say no more!
I mounted my trustee steed (iM4.Elite from Easy Living Mobility) then immediately dismounted, folded the wheelchair up and stored it in the boot of a taxi from Westside/Aerobrights taxis, as it took me to Amerton Farm.
In case you didn't know - as I don't mention it much - I've written a book - Brain Tumours, John Bonham and Fat Pigeons - who am I kidding, if you've read any of my posts you'll know this poorly kept secret because as I'm reminded regularly by friends and family - I'll repeat that, FRIENDS AND FAMILY - "you're always banging on about your damn book!" well sod them, none of them have written a book...actually, that's not true. My dad's written three. The Larks, all this way for a shilling and Yellow Impi. See, I'm capable of banging on about other books as well, but back to mine now.
Any Jem Shaw fans should know that he edited my book. Feel free to leave a positive review on my book for this reason if you wish. Only positive though please, I'd rather people buy the book to find out it's only worthy of a one star rating.
Here was an opportunity to bang on about my damn book to a different audience. As I've learnt it's not easy to sell millions of copies on Amazon if people don't know it exists.
Amerton Artisans
As you go in through the main entrance, immediately to your left is the entrance to Amerton Artisans. It's basically a very large room with several small businesses. It's fantastic. I'd never been here before, there are several types of business here, for example homeware, gifts & cards, metalwork, arts & crafts... The list goes on. Check out the Amerton Artisans Facebook page for more info as this blog is about my wheelchair worries, of which there are a few to be found at Amerton Farm.
The Bookery
As you enter the hall The Bookery is on the opposite wall about fifty yards up. What a charming little shop. There are post cards pictures of 'Indie Authors' and short descriptions and multiple copies of their books. Indie Author means independent author. This store appears to be a great supporter of local authors. The store is quite small, I only stayed a few minutes before excusing myself as I felt I was taking up to much space. I was able to introduce myself to the owner and two local authors and showed them a copy of my book - well what did you expect? Afterall, I'm always banging on about it.
Amerton Farm
The access isn't brilliant, but I'm fairly sure it will be a listed building, so their hands will be tied with regards to what changes they can make. If it isn't listed I certainly don't hold it against them for not making changes that wouldn't be in keeping with the style of the farm.
For example I went into the tea room for a hot chocolate (the best hot chocolate I've had by the way.) But the door was quite old fashioned with a pull down handle. I was struggling to get in but a couple came to help me. They had to open the second door so that I could get through. If you've read previous posts on this blog you will know that inaccessible doors are a particular bug bear of mine. But I think in this case, keeping the old fashioned doors is acceptable.
However, the access when I got in wasn't much better. The tables were so close together it was a struggle to get the wheelchair through. I was having to move empty chairs from there place at the table or if people were sitting in them, they would inevitably have to move because the chair would be infringing on the tiny walkway.
As I was leaving the tea room I felt a tap on my shoulder, it was the lady I had spoken to in the bookery. She said she was looking on Amazon for my book but couldn't find it. She was keen to read about my story. I had hoped my appearance would open the floodgates and I would be inundated with requests for my book. I can't say it worked as I hoped, but I delved into my bag and retrieved a copy I had on me. She went to the table she was sitting at and returned with a £10 note and a copy of one of her books - The Haunted House 2. This was fellow author Ann K. S. Thayre. I say fellow author but that would imply I think I'm an author but I have only written one memoir, Annc has written five books.
Anyway Ann was a lovely woman who offered me very kind words of advice. Please check her out.
I'm going to see an evening with John Cleese in November, in Manchester with my brother Daniel. He lives not far from Manchester and normally I would require him to travel down to Stafford to pick me up to take us/me to Manchester. It's a Tuesday evening though and he's one of these responsible adults with a job.
"I'll get the train" I said confidently, as at this point it was July and the evening in question was a long way in the future. It was easy to say I would do it without thinking about the fact I was actually going to have to do it. Now it's in a couple of weeks and the thought of navigating the train station on my own made me apprehensive. I'm not the most confident bloke, but my trustee steed (iM4.Elite) is enabling me to get out of my comfort zone. So...
"I'll do a practice trip before the actual trip" I thought "Because I'll probably cock it up"
And guess what? I was right.
I cocked it up!
Mind the gap
Let me explain. Again, I remember that there was this very handy little blog called...oh what was it...oh, I remember! wheelchairworries.com 😁 it mentions that you can purchase a Disabled Persons Railcard (see post Wheelchair Worries - Social Prescribing. So I did, but it takes up to five days to process, so I thought I'd just do the journey without the card. I thought the only advantage of the railcard is that the ticket is cheaper. However, card or not, my dad informed me, I needed to tell the train company (Avanti) of my disability as they will need to provide a ramp to get onto the train.
Cock up number one.
Luckily my train was at 13:03 and the Trainline AI assistant told me I needed to give them a minimum of two hours notice. I called them on the morning of my trip and they arranged assistance telling me to go to the ticket office upon arrival.
My taxi got me there about 30 minutes early, the pessimist in me assumed something was going to go wrong and I wanted plenty of time to spare. Surely this wasn't going to go smoothly? I went straight to the ticket office and informed them of my arrival.
Starbucks
I was told somebody would come to the ticket office and take me to the platform. I even had time to go and get a Starbucks. The lady didn't know what time I needed to be back for, but she wasn't too fussed if I was here or in Starbucks. I would usually be stressed about all the things I could cock up and wouldn't relax until I was on the train. And that relaxed mood would quickly evaporate when I started thinking about getting off this train and getting to my connecting train.
I returned to the ticket office after I got my (iced) coffee. I was taken from the ticket office to the platform where the special assistance went to get a ramp and came back to help me onto the train.
This is already my favourite way to travel. Granted, my opinion will change when the infamous train delays affect me. But for now, it couldn't be going any better.
Getting onto the train wasn't particularly simple. The train is a good height above the platform and there is a decent sized gap between the platform and the train. I had my wheelchair on the lowest speed setting [PICTURE OF POWER] so as to reduce the speed of the impact when I inevitably run into the back of somebody - some might say I'm a bit of a liability - not the best driver. I disagree, I say I'm an excellent driver
A wheelchair users view
The ramp is quite steep but the iM.4 Elite is upto the task. I take an immediate left and then follow the corridor as it curves right to the carriage. It's incredibly tight. The corridor is barely wide enough to fit my wheelchair and I'd left the footrest down. A rookie mistake. It adds a couple of inches to the length which meant I was pinging off the walls like a pinball machine. The wheelchair space had luggage in it, but the passenger moved the luggage in question and I took up residence, opposite some more luggage. The driver came to see me to confirm I needed special assistance at Manchester Piccadilly. He told me to wait here when we reach my stop and somebody will set up a ramp, get me off the train and take me to the correct platform for my connecting train.
When I got off the train it was about 20 minutes till my connection to Oxford Road and the Starbucks had left me in need of the facilities.
Here was my first opportunity to cock it up 👍
It only took us about 5 minutes to get to the toilets and I only spent a minute or 2 using the facilities but we were going to miss the connection... Well, I don't see how we were definitely going to miss the connection, but there was no point rushing when the next train was an 8 minute wait. So the special assistance changed my booking to the next train on a different platform and took me to it. He made a call and phoned ahead to the next station and arranged assistance at the next station.
I kinda cocked it up, but an adult was around to sort it 😁
Have I mentioned that I love thiscompletely stress free method of travelling?
I boarded the train and by the time I positioned myself in the disabled space, the train had pulled into Manchester Oxford Road and I could hear the ramp being clicked into place.
Here was my opporunity to cock it up,an opportunity I took full advantage of. According to Google Maps it was a ten minute walk from the station to the Albert Hall. I got to the street and the road I was on went in both directions and the text instructions said walk north-east...I didn't know which way North-East was and Google Maps didn't show what direction I was facing, but logic tells me that if the time it takes on Google Maps increases, I need to turn around. Well Google Maps wasn't updating, by the time it did it said I was 17 minutes away. Ok. So I turned around. It wasn't updating again. I asked a Traffic Warden but he didn't know as he'd just moved to Manchester. I went along this road for ages and I couldn't find it. I think this successfully illustrates my infamous sense of direction. I could well have passed it and not realised.
It got to 15:30 and my train was leaving at 16:13 so I thought I'll head back now, even though I had forty minutes to spare, I wasn't confident I'd find it in time.
I got back to the train station with plenty of time to spare. As I entered the station somebody came over to ask me if I had booked special assistance. I hadn't, I'd neglected to book it for my return journey. He told me to wait for him at the platform and he would come and find me. He then arranged for somebody to meet me at Piccadilly and take me to my connecting train.
I love special assistance!
As I think is quite obvious from my posts on this blog, I am an idiot, and I quite frequently do idiotic things. Having special assistance means I have less opportunity to be an idiot, but when I do manage it, they are there.
I have told Daniel (brother) that he will need to pick me up from the train station though, I don't want to go all that way and then miss the show.
That was my first thought when I went to the toilet and the toilet bowl looked like somebody had been murdered. I wasn't in any pain so I contemplated ignoring it, but this wasn't a bit of blood, it was enough for a small blood transfusion. The absence of pain meant that I couldn't call 999. It was late afternoon so there was no point phoning the doctors surgery as they would just tell me to call tomorrow at 8am when they have appointments available. I gave 111 a go and they were great, they asked me a few questions and made an immediate appointment for me at the hospital.
So I booked a taxi, bundled my trusty steed (iM.4 Elite wheelchair) in the boot, picked up my Mum and headed to the hospital.
I used Westside Taxis who I use several times a week. They've always been great with me, as I've said in a previous post the iM.4 Elite isn't the lightest chair but isn't so heavy it can't be lifted and stored in the car boot, allowing me to travel around. As long as you have kind and obliging people to help you.
An appointment had been made for me at the urology department allowing me to bypass the few hours I would have spent waiting in A&E. The urology department was completely empty and I was seen straight away. I had to give a sample on my arrival, which considering the total privacy I had, was one of the more dignified experiences during this whole process. I was then called in to see the consultant and - as this is a hospital I had flat floors, incredibly wide corridors even some of the doors are widened. Nobody was here, there were no stretched out legs to navigate and no obstacles, which as you'll know from previous posts, I am to driving what Stevie Wonder is to arts and crafts.
I enjoy speeding around hospitals, it's almost like they're designed so it's easy to move around.
Upon testing the sample I'd provided, the consultant wanted me to go to the A&E in Stoke. He wasn't overly concerned and didn't bundle me stright into an ambulance. He didn't hold the test tube upto the light, sigh, slap me on the back and say "good luck". He didn't recoil in suprise at the blood red "urine" sample I'd given him and ask "HOLY SH*T, WHAT'S THAT?" So I wasn't too worried, but he was insistent that I went to A&E.
I bundled my trustee steed into another taxi and made my way to A&E. Stoke A&E is vast. There is a massive reception desk with several stations for many receptionists. There are different areas to wait in depending on your injury/illness. There is plenty of room everywhere and it's quite enjoyable to zoom around. I think people questioned how poorly I really was as I clearly wasn't in any discomfort and was more interested in taking advantage of this ideal motorised wheelchair environment. I was called into triage within minutes, it was confirmed what I was in for and I would need to wait for several hours to be seen.
Yes I was in a hospital and yes there was some issue with my insides, but because of the iM.4 Elite I had independence, granted, my Mum was with me, but let's not focus on that.
A few hours went by and I was called in to see the doctor. It took all of fifteen minutes. He had a feel and a prod of my stomach and once he'd determined I wasn't in any pain, went off to speak to another consultant to determine the next course of action. He returned to say they wanted to do a CT Scan to see exactly what was going on.
A swell guy
Now, I could moan about how it had taken several hours and 2 taxi trips which weren't exactly cheap just to tell me I needed a scan. I'm not going to do that though because I'm a swell guy... and this whole process had actually shown me with the aid of my trustee steed I was far more independent than I realised. If this had happened a few months earlier I couldn't have done anything about it as my dad was in Scotland at this time and I would have needed him to get to a hospital.
Nowadays if I start pissing blood I can at least get to a hospital on my own. Sort of.
About a week went by and I was summoned to Stafford County hospital for a CT Scan. I called upon Westside taxis again, bundled my trustee steed into the boot and made my way to the hospital, again!
This was my first CT scan and much more pleasent than an MRI scan. A CT scan doesn't require you to wear ear defenders that have no affect on the volume of the cacophony of noise the scanner is making. I wasn't cocooned in a metal tube, I wasn't given a panic button incase I got claustrophobic. A nurse didn't stop the scan half way through to inject me with something.
The scan took about 20 minutes and I didn't want to fork out for another taxi, so I used my trusty 'dad' card and got him to pick me up.
My Journey from Headway to hospital
Next, I had an appointment at the hospital again for a 'fibre optic examination of the bladder'. Now I'm not great at medical jargon, but I was fairly sure that meant they would investigate further with a camera. I was also sure of how they were going to get access to the bladder, and, well I consider that an exit, not an entrance thank you! I got the impression they didn't share my views though. I happened to be attending Headway brain injury clinic that day, so I made my own way up to the hospital. Headway was halfway there so I only had another 1.9 miles to go. It would take quite a long time to get there, but that was something I was getting used to now. I arrived for my appointment and was immediately taken into a side room where a nurse assisted me with shedding all my clothes and putting on a hospital gown. This is a process I tend to conduct in privacy as it requires all kinds of wiggling and contortionism. It's certainly not recommended in a tiny room that's little bigger than a stock cupboard.
Nice wide doors though, I can't fault the door width.
The floors were nice and smooth again and there was acres of space. Although I didn't feel like zooming around anymore.
I was called in to a decent sized room with 5 people in. There was enough space that we weren't tripping over each other, but we were in quite close proximity. Let's not forget one of us was in a hospital gown as well, a gown that was only secured by the full weight of my arse while I was sitting in the wheelchair.
Again, good wide doors though. I couldn't fault the door width.
One of the people was clearly the consultant and I'm guessing the other 4 were students. The consultant had my CT Scan on display as I walked in. The CT scan at the top of this post is the best I could achieve using 3rd party software, but I couldn't replicate the x-ray that was on display. The scan that was showing when I entered the room showed the full extent of the issue - 4 kidney stones. One of them was a whopper - 1.6cm.
"You've got 4 kidney stones, 2 in each kidney." the consultant enquired.
"Fair enough" I thought as I started to turn around to go straight back out hoping he wouldn't want to stick a camera in me.
"Even though we know you have kidney stones, we should just look with a camera to check there's nothing else there." Bugger!
"Have you had some previous surgery?" The consultant enquired.
The cable that is connected to the shunt in my skull was coiled up like a sleeping snake in my stomach. Any fluid that collects around my brain is sent down this tube where it releases. Now, I'm no genius but this cable was about the height of me, but was only needed for the top half of the body.
Am I the only human that's not biodigradable?
I transferred onto the bed with the help of 2 nurses. As I had got out of my wheelchair the gown was no longer secured, fortunately my modesty was covered. Until I lay on the bed and was instructed to bend my legs at the knees creating an arch. Unfortunately, a nurse had positioned herself at the foot of the bed. Surely she knew what view she was going to be subjected to? I believe she quit with immediate effect and now works in finance.
Report Urgency: no alert Verified: verified by Clark Alexander 22 May 2025
Three-phase CT urogram
Right kidney lower pole 0.8 cm 1100 HU non-obstructing calculus. Right kidney pelvis 0.8 cm 1200 non-obstructing calculus. Minuscule non-obstructing calculus in the lower pole on the right. Left upper pole 0.9 cm 960 HU non-obstructing calculus. Left kidney pelvis 1.6 cm 1600 HU non-obstructing calculus. Left lower pole 0.4 cm diameter non-obstructing calculus. On the delayed phase no upper tract urothelial lesion seen.
Other findings;
Uncomplicated-looking VP shunt or similar. This probably accounts for the shallow peritoneal liquid.
Moderate faecal loading throughout the colon. Several tiny bilateral kidney cysts.
Chronic bilateral L5 pars defects. Mild thoracolumbar scoliosis. Bone density is little on the low side considering the age. Right-sided dynamic hip screw.
I got off the bed and back into my wheelchair thus securing the gown again by sitting on it. I apologised to the nurse who had stood at the end of the bed but she couldn't hear me over her hysterical crying. I went back into the stock cupboard accompanied by a nurse to get dressed. I assured him I could do this on my own, he responded by saying he's not allowed to leave me on my own in case I have an accident.
Now people like to say the phrase "it's health & safety gone mad" I say "whoever came up with this idea of Health & Safety for every day tasks was a perv."
Nice wide doors though, I can't fault the door width.
I returned for my procedure a few weeks later. I had opted for keyhole laser surgery. They would go in get the 2 stones next to each other (there are 2 stones in each kidney) and obliterate them. Depending on the location of the stones, they may need to fit a temporary stent. 3 out of 5 people experience pain or discomfort. *Spoiler alert* I had a stent. I did experience pain. It would last for about 3 seconds when I passed water (which is constant - your bladder holds as much water as a sock). It was like a stomach ache that would rapidly increase and have me closing my eyes and wincing, but then it was gone. I don't know if that puts me in the 3 of 5 category or the 2 of 5, but it's not anything to write about...
I didn't think too much about this procedure as I thought "I've been in hospital before, for a whole year, I can manage 1 night!" And I was right, but what I had forgotten about was the loss of dignity, although on this occasion I wasn't completely helpless and could move.
I had a few weeks back at home, knowing that I had an appointment to have the stent removed. This would be a 20 minute procedure under local anaesthetic. I should have been enthused that they felt this procedure wasn't intrusive enough for a general anaesthetic, but I was focused on the fact that they put me to sleep to insert it but thought I was fine to be awake and witness them sticking a camera down a NO ENTRY ZONE...AGAIN! I didn't even get a gown this time, I had to undo my trousers which felt even more embarrassing. A third nurse had to be called upon to help retrieve it.
But, dignity has returned... temporarily. I get to experience all this again to destroy the remaining 2 kidney stones.
I am grateful the stones haven't taken it upon themselves to extract themselves though. I believe that is excruciating.
I’m still unsure about the claimed ten mile range of my iM.4 Elite wheelchair. It’s quite an ambiguous claim. If they said it lasts for six hours, then one would know for definite how long it will last. They can’t say that though because you will likely travel on differing terrains, you’ll go up and down hill, you’ll go over bumps, you’ll stop and start repeatedly. I could go on, but you get the point.
So, as we are having uncharacteristically great weather at the moment and like I said in a previous post "I don't like to drive in the rain." As it's not likely to rain at the moment I've arranged to go and see my friend Helen Lawson who runs her business from Beaconside Business Village. I have got an appointment to see her in her proffesion as a psychic/healer/reiki master at the end of the month, but it might be raining then. Sorry, I'll rephrase. It's England so it WILL be raining then. According to the AA route planner it's 3.2 miles away, which is ten minutes in a car. So 3.2 miles there and back is 6.4 miles. I'm sure I will ride around a bit when I get there, and it is quite a large area - Beaconside Business Village is what was Stafford University - and I will have to travel a very small distance to get to the starting point. So let's call it a 7 mile round trip. That should leave me 3 miles of juice in the battery.
Plenty?
Hmm, I was doubtful. I wasn't sure if I would make it back home. So, wearing a cap for sun protection from that orange thing in the sky, a long sleeve top because I'm too lazy to put sun screen on, a bottle of water and Mark Bates insurance on speed dial (as I get roadside recovery with my insurance). I set off, knowing I may well fail. Don't try this at home unless you're a super brave boy like me.
Not all heroes wear capes 💪
See what I did there? I've split the video into two parts, thus upping the anxiety and maintaining your interest. Unless of course:
You really couldn't care less
You're really annoyed you've just wasted five and a half minutes of your life watching this drivel
You were only vaguely interested. You were just hoping to see me stranded at the side of the road, you're not interested enough to watch a second video
This first part of the journey was completed in about an hour and forty minutes. I could have gone there and back ten times in a car. I don't recommennd this mode of transport over the auto-mobile. As an alternative to it, the iM.4 Elite was perfectly comfortable in that it could handle the mild terrain it had to deal with. You do have to keep your wits about you as the angle of the ground can dictate the direction of the chair, and sometimes you're in terrain where the back wheels just spin rather than change your direction. As I've said previously, the weight of this chair is the sweetspot. 26kg is still quite light, but still heavy enough for acceptable use while still light enough to fold up and store in the boot of the car. It really does give me a level of independence as I can catch any taxi and most busses or trains. Apparantly it's airline friendly, although I'm yet to test that. I can't comment on the comfort of the cushion as I replaced the thin memory foam cushion it comes with for a thick gel cushion. For the brief time I sat on it, my right leg started to go numb, but that could well just be me.
Helen took me on a quick tour on the way upto the Emerald Lounge. You can see that everywhere is flat with thin pile carpet, wide corridors, wide doors I can easily get my wheelchair through. Disabled toilets on each level. Lift access and (the all important feature), a fully accessible lounge. It also has a cafe, gym, live events area and conference/exhibition areas.
The eagle eared amongst you will notice that Helen has an eerily similar voice to the person that read a section of my book - Brain Tumours, John Bonham and Fat Pigeons - Available now on Amazon. Anyway, back to the action. After a non-alcoholic Koppaberg (I'm not a very good driver sober! Imagine if I had some alcohol in my system.) I started the drive back.
We pick up the action when I am about a mile and a half from home. I realisee what was quite a dull video before is only going to get duller. However we rejoin the action as the wheelchair is bleeping at me. Constantly. Freaking bleeping! Who wouldn't wanna see that?It's like an annoying child repeatedly poking you in the side and tellling you the same thing, over and over and over again.
Will I make it? I know, I know. This. Is. EXCITING!
I've always said I'm like Phoebe Buffay and the reaction from the strangers who's conversation I've just interrupted to tell them this, is always,
"Who are you?" or "Erm, ok. Thanks for letting me know?"
Well now I've got proof.
Phoebe doesn't like to fly commercial airliners' in the rain. I don't like to ride my motorised wheelchair in the rain. Similar.
Phoebe Buffay has never flown in the rain, so how does she know? I've never ridden my wheelchair in the rain so how would I know? She just knew and I just knew. Similar. Phobe's grandmother left her a family recipe which turned out to be from Nestlè Tollhouse and is burning in...ok, the similarities end there.
On Monday 19th May I decided to make my own way to Andy's Man Club. I normally get a lift there and take a taxi back, It's a journey that takes 7 minutes by car, however, (at most) I can achieve 4mph so it took me 40 minutes. I videoed my entire trip using the high tech set up of my old Samsung smartphone attached to a tripod that I held between my legs. As a lot of you reading this won't have experienced travelling long distances in a wheelchair, I thought it would be interesting for you to experience it with me.
Full disclosure, on reflection. it isn't.
My battery status
I thought I'd add some jeopardy to the video by updating you on the range of my battery. The battery - even though fully charged - would drain quite quickly (I thought) because of the terrain. Even though the iM.4 Elite has an (alleged) range of 10 miles, I assumed that was a best case scenario, you would only achieve that if you were driving on a 10 mile long, flat piece of marble. I was going to be on footpaths, going up hills I even might have to swerve pot holes.
Full disclosure again, there is no jeopardy. It appears the iM.4 Elite really does have that range. It only lost 2 of it's 5 bars. For those of you mathematically challenged, that's 40% or 4 miles.
At the end of my journey as I approached Stafford Rugby Club - where Andy's Man Club is, I stopped filming... Moments before I went off road and got stuck in gravel trying to avoid the 4 speed bumps that were breaking my back when I went over them. Fortunately a woman was walking behind me who offered to drag me out. She struggled though because - as i've mentioned before the chair is heavy and when it's in motorised mode it can't be moved. So she was pushing a 26kg chair, with the handbrake on with a 10 stone man sitting in the chair. Oh, and she can't get traction because her feet are sliding on the gravel. I remember thinking before venturing off-road "this is a bad idea! You're going to get stuck." But as you have probably worked out I'm a bit of an idiot. Here is an excerpt of my book (Brain Tumours, John Bonham and Fat Pigeons) read by my friend Helen Lawson.
The e-book is only £1.77 and although primarily about my year long stay in hospital due to a brain tumour, there are several occasions when I tell humorous stories from my past.
But I'm sure you're eagerly waiting to watch my epic journey from my POV. It was forty minutes, but Ive edited it down as not all of it was as exciting as crossing the road. No need to thank me.
